I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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