I faked an abortion last night.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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