Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
