This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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