Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize