dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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