He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
there is puke in my bra ... again
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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