I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
