I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
