Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
