Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how do flat chested girls get laid?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
