He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
