Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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