happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
