She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
