On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
