Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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