I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
