omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
