your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
