I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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