I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
