im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
