Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
