sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
