I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
