I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
