I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
