The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
