shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
