I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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