Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
