boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i think my cat just said my name.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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