I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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