I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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