i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
These tits shall not be calmed
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