on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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