I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
