im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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