Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
