Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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