well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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