No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
