Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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