Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't deserve a penis
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
