I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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