Whod you bang
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
