I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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