Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
