so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
