Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I would ride that face into the sunset
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
