The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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