I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
