At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize