I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
