HIV tests are more positive than that guy
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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