we have officially lost it.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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