I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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