Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
