The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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